Punches--Bullies

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“Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.”

Romans 12:9-10

“Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck up. Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody. Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. I’ve you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.” Our Scripture tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don’t let evil ge the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.”

Romans 12:14-21

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“Jenny come back, come back here!!!” I have a faint recollection of hearing my mother’s frantic voice yelling this from the back stoop of our row home. I was about 8 at the time.

What I do vividly remember is a neighborhood friend coming to me in tears because bullies had taken his bike. What the??!! Anger welled up and my blood boiled. I was on fire to set the world right for my friend. My size 8xxs pants, gathered tighter with safety pins so they wouldn't fall down, was never a consideration or deterrent. Size just didn't seem to be a factor when a friend needed your help and everything within me felt compelled to make this situation right.

So, I was hell bent on getting my friends bike back and giving those bullies a piece of my mind. I jumped on my own bike and raced down the alley to find them. Someone must have told my mom of my plan, but a little too late. Cue frantic mother yelling from the stoop for Jenny’s return.

What was my plan when I found those fools? Hadn’t thought that far in advance. What was wrecking me up inside was seeing my friend so hurt. The injustice of it all sent me into action, totally unprepared, but action nonetheless.

I rode around looking for those fools, but never did find them. As my search failed to produce the villains I was hungry for, fear began to set in. What would I do when I found those guys? I hoped my fear would not be evident, only my anger. I must have hoped that pulling an old cat trick---shackles up in defensive stance, would make me appear much larger than I actually was!

Upon failing to locate the boys I rode home in defeat. I wanted to make this better for my friend and get his bike returned to him. In actuality, what he wanted and needed more than his bike, was time with a friend. I had never even considered that. I think in the long run it was probably better for him that I hadn’t found the bullies. A girl going to settle your score probably would have only made his situation worse. Not something I had ever considered at that age.

Events like this one shaped me into a person with very little tolerance for meanness or bullying. Randomly I have stood up to bullies in my life and never once regretted it.

My boys and I have had many conversations to encourage the development of kindness and compassion. We are very intentional about stepping into people’s lives to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Yes we get it wrong sometimes, but that’s all part of the learning curve!

We look for ways to treat people as Jesus would have. Empathy is something that most kids need to see in action to be able to model. On the other end of the spectrum, I come down on them like a ton of bricks when I see meanness well up in them.

Lately seems conversations about bullies have been coming up a lot. Tad and his best little buddy Dominic were creating lists of “Come Backs” to help them be prepared for when it was time to go on the defensive. More and more stories have been coming home from school about kids at school being left out or hurt by others intentionally.

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Then yesterday a prayer request came through my church re a mom’s plea for her 10 year old that is being bullied and left out repeatedly in school. This is the same day Wyatt told me about a friend being punched in the nose in the bathroom.

Then randomly this morning during breakfast I asked my boys if they were still doing their Yoga unit in Health class for yoga, knowing it was a favorite unit for them. They told me the unit was over and now they were talking about bullying. God couldn’t have been any clearer---it was time to finish this blog I had started a while ago and share an article we had found helpful so that possibly it might be a help to other families.

Naturally then our breakfast time conversation centered on bullying. We talked about how Jesus really messed with people’s categories when He told them to love their enemies. “That just goes against everything we want to do, doesn’t it!? I don’t want to love people who are mean. I just want to be mean back and see them be hurt,” I told them.

“Sometimes people who are mean are very lonely and they act mean to hide how sad they are,” Wyatt told me.

“Yes, just like in that book we read a while ago, Goodness Guerillas,” I said. Cue me running to find that book per the boys request! (ran out of time to read it, but it’s on the weekend list now!)

My boys all went on to ask, ‘why do most parents tell kids to just hit punch the bully back?’

So we talked about how moms and dads just want to protect their kids. They want to give their kids the tools to help them avoid being trampled on through life. I tried to explain to them how much it hurts moms and dads to see their kids in pain, knowing full well this is something they won’t really get until they have children.

“We do a lot of teaching and training to try and prepare you for these times in life to help you avoid being hurt,” I told them.

“Wyatt do you happen to remember Field Day 2 years ago? I was there to cheer on your games and have lunch with you. When I arrived you guys were playing Duck, Duck Goose and the game was almost over but you hadn’t been picked yet.

Ms. Jen was running the game and she said, ‘Wyatt still needs to be picked,’ but no one picked you before it was time to move on to the next game. I saw this and I just wanted to run over and pick you. I saw you shrug and smile at Ms. Jen like it was no big deal; but I knew inside you must be hurting. When you saw me, your cool look melted away like an ice cream cone on a hot summer day. I could see the sadness right away and you came over to me and I hugged on you.

Do you remember what happened next? Your little friend Olivia came over and saw you were sad. She said, ‘Oh Wyatt next time I will pick you,” and then she gave you a big hug.

I thought about how God was taking a sad thing and bringing good from it. God was growing compassion in Olivia. As your mom I wanted to spare you the sadness you were feeling, but your Father God has greater plans of something He wanted to grow in you.

God hates things like kids feeling left out, but He’s also the master of bringing good from those kinds of things. He can take ugly and grow beautiful from it. He takes sadness over being left out and wants to create compassion. After that happened I started praying God would remind you of that day when you saw a kid who felt left out.

Remember later that night we talked about why you thought that had happened and we prayed about it. I asked you if maybe you had broken bridges with your friends that day or if maybe people were confusing you and Will (Will and Wyatt are twins) or maybe people just already had in mind who they were going to choose. You told me you thought that people were expecting Will to choose you, but instead he had chosen Lance, leaving you left out.

I prayed that you would always remember that feeling and God would grow kindness in you. I know that typically you are a kid who gets picked pretty quickly for stuff because you are athletic and that can easily create pride. Also, it has a way of blinding you to the needs of kids who don’t get picked over and over again. Sometimes being on a winning team becomes more important than making sure everyone feels a part of what’s going on. “

Our conversation progressed into how the boys can step into the lives of kids who are being left out. We talked about strategies for standing up to bullies without having to tattle.

“Remember when we talked about holding your head up, not looking down in defeat when someone has hurt your feelings? We talked about saying one quick line with your cool look on and then walking away with your head up. (See article at the end of this blog.)

“But all our teachers are telling us to tell on the kid,” they all persisted.

“Yes, I know because they want to try and help. They don’t want a kid to keep quiet about it, but tell me how much tattling really helps the situation,” I asked.

“Not really but you do get a Road Runner,” they reported.

“Are bullies good at finding the times when teachers aren’t around to bully a kid?” I asked.

“Yes, they always get kids in the bathroom and at recess and when the teacher’s not looking,” they assured me.

“So let’s talk about our strategies that will help you to be able to stand up for yourself and others you might see being bullied,” I said.

We spent the next few minutes practicing what you’ll read below. When it comes to this topic I’ve realized there are no pat answers that will always help a kid in these ugly situations. But there is always our God who brings beauty from ashes.

I do firmly believe that God is not above using our kids’ hurts to grow wonderful things in their lives. I have to fight my instinct to want to keep them in a hurt free zone (not that it's possible anyway!) and trust God to use that hurt to develop beauty in their lives. For the parent who is praying for a friend for their child---I join with you in that prayer. I will continue to challenge my boys to look for that child and be a friend. I pray for boldness for our kids to step into a kid’s life that is being ignored. I pray for boldness for our kids to step up for kids, even at cost to themselves. I pray as parents we can help our kids have eyes to see the hurt around them and they would be equipped to step smack dab in the middle of it to make a friend where they may be none otherwise.

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Article excerpted from Love and Logic parenting resource:

Tease Proof Your Kids

Jim Fay

The trick to "teaseproofing" a youngster is giving him/her the skills to be able to handle teasing. Once the child realizes he/she can actually handle the problem, you will see a change in the non-verbal attitude.

Mr. Mendez, a wonderful second-grade teacher, "teaseproofed" his whole class. He said to the class, "Kids, the reason kids tease other kids is that it makes them feel superior. Now you can let them get away with this or you can use an adult one-liner. But first of all, we all have to practice the ´cool look.´"

This teacher had the kids practice standing with their hands in their pockets, rocking back on their heels, and putting a cool grin on their face.

He practiced this over and over. Every now and then, he would yell out, "Let’s see your ´cool look.´" The kids would all jump out of their seats and put on the "look."

Once they had all mastered the "cool look," he said, "When kids start to tease you, put on your ´cool look.´ Keep the look going while they tease. As soon as they get through putting you down, use your one-liner."

The one-liner he taught them is one of the famous Love and Logic One-Liners, "Thanks for sharing that with me. "Mr. Mendez had the kids practice this, making sure that they kept the "cool look" on while they said the words.

Every now and then, when the kids would least expect it, he would yell out, "Let me hear your one liner!" And the kids would practice saying the words, making sure to grin while they said them.

Once the teacher felt that the class had mastered saying, "Thanks for sharing that with me," in the appropriate way, he started having them practice jumping up out of their seats, putting on the "cool look," and saying their one-liner.

The next step was for the kids to learn to turn around on the last word and walk away fast without looking back at the teasing child. Needless to say, they all did their practice until the skill was mastered. They even spent some of their recess time practicing this on the playground.

Now that the skill was learned, practiced and mastered, Mr. Mendez could implement his part of the operation. When children came to him to tattle about others teasing them he consistently asked, "Did you let him get by with it or did you use your ‘cool skill’?"

In the event that child admitted that he had not used his/her skill, the teacher said, "How sad that you let him get away with it. Do you suppose you are going to continue to let him get by with it or are you going to use your skill? It’s your choice, but tattling to me is no longer a choice."

Mr. Mendez tells us that the amount of tattling and complaining has been reduced by over 90%. He also proudly tells about one of his students who came to him asking if they had to use the one-liner he taught them, or could they make up their own.

This second-grader wanted to demonstrate to the class the one-liner that he used so successfully on the playground.

He stood before the class and said, "This other kid on the playground was dissin´ me. He said I had the skinniest arms in the whole school. I put on my ´cool look.´ I grinned and said, ´Bummer, I thought I was cool, man.´ I walked away before he could figure out what to say. Man, I blew his mind!"

All the kids clapped for this skillful second-grader, and the teacher beamed with pride as he thought to himself, "Now that kid is really ‘teaseproofed’ for sure."

You don’t have to wait for the teacher to "teaseproof" your kids. You can do it in your home the same way Mr. Mendez did in the classroom. What a gift you can give your child, and come to think of it, what a gift it is to a parent to know that we can send our kids out into the world "teaseproofed."

Since the development of the "cool look" skill, many different kids have found sanctuary in its use. One of the most creative applications was seen at a local school where the kids seem to take great pleasure in claiming to do research on the behavior of other kids’ mothers and attacking each other with this information when they are mad.

One kid yelled out to the other, "Yo momma’s a ho´. The youngster being attacked put on his "cool look “and returned, "I tell her to be nice, but she gets mad when I tell her what to do." With this he turned and walked away.