Happy Tears [loss]

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“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…” James 1:27 (NIV).
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We teach our kids, ‘don’t take candy from strangers,’ but it gets a little hairy when the line between ‘stranger’ and ‘neighbor’ is blurred. When we met a kind elderly husband and wife on our neighborhood strolls, what would I say when candy was offered? (especially when my 4 year old asks why he’s allowed to take candy from this stranger.) I know, the logic breaks down pretty quickly.

This was the start of our relationship with Shirley and Jack Sinnot and their adult daughter Jeanie. Mr. Jack and Ms. Shirley would walk tenderly arm in arm while Mr. Jack protectively steadied them with his cane. Mr. Jack was always quick to extend a hand with three pieces of candy when we met up with them in our double stroller and big wheel. The boys quickly came to recognize him in his golf cap and plaid jacket and would come running, “Momma, Mr. Jack is going on his walk now, can we go too?” They knew a piece of candy was nestled in his pocket with their name on it. So we would launch off for brief conversation and candy run with the Sinnot’s. (I later learned Ms. Shirley kept the talk brief because Jack had Alzheimer’s.)

When Mr. Jack’s eight year struggle with Alzhiemers ended on St. Patrick’s Day 2008, we knew great sadness had just enveloped the Sinnot home. We decided to go visit them at their home. Before leaving we discussed the Scripture about visiting widows in their distress. I tried to prepare the boys for the great sadness we would be stepping into. We talked of the sorrow that wraps around loss and the great joy of heaven that will some day trump every pain we’ve ever suffered. I remember Tad asking, ‘how will food help them not be sad?’ I said, ‘it won’t help their sadness, but it will let them know we care.’ So off we went, arms loaded with home made cards and food.

Tad’s ‘card’ stopped me in my tracks when he ran to retrieve it as we were walking out the door. He had drawn a picture of Mr. Jack, as we were accustomed to seeing him on our walks. The representation was so tender, I knew Ms. Shirley and Ms. Jeanie would love it, but based on the tears it evoked from me, it would be hard to receive. Tad commented he wanted to give a reminder of Mr. Jack since they wouldn’t have him anymore. When it came time to give Ms. Shirley his card, he looked more than a little terrified when Ms. Shirley sobbed upon receiving it. These were no quiet tears. Ms. Shirley quickly hugged him and assured him he hadn’t done anything wrong; he had done something very right.

We had a conversation that night about death and Tad asked, ‘why did Ms. Shirley cry when I gave her the picture I drew, didn’t she like it?’

“Oh Tad, she loved it. Those were happy tears for your card and sad tears for missing Mr. Jack. Most cards people give have words like, ‘we are so sorry for your loss,” but your card was very special because it reminded her of her precious Jack. Your card was a blessing to Ms. Shirley’s very heavy heart that I’m sure she will treasure. Remember when Jesus’ good friend Lazarus died? The Bible says Jesus cried because he was very sad. Jesus cried so hard people around him said, ‘look how deeply he loved Lazarus,’ (John 11). Ms. Shirley and Ms. Jeanie are going to cry a lot of sad tears and sometimes those will combine with happy tears when something gives them a happy reminder of Mr. Jack. Death is a weird mix of great sadness for our loss and great joy that a person gets to be in heaven forever.”

This visit to the Sinnot home would be followed by many more and very gradually the tears and sadness would be replaced by laughter and joy. Ms. Shirley calls us her angels sent special delivery by God. The number of lessons God has poured into all these brief visits is astounding. I have learned what grieving looks like when a loving marriage of 59 years is brought to a close by death. I have learned of the sacrificial love a devoted wife is called to when she walks through the sordidness Alzehiemer’s reeks on a once strong man (things no one envisions as they pledge their vows in the wellness of a wedding day). We have learned what Mr. Jack was like as a young man. We have learned how to be very careful in a home that is not child proofed and full of many beautiful sparkly glass things. We learned how much joy we could bring through sharing simple things from our life, like card games, double rainbows, captured wild life, garden kale, and even Silly Bandz.

I learned that mission work doesn’t have to involve traveling around the world; it can almost always be found two houses up to the right. Simple extensions of kindness speak volumes in our hurried pace town; helping those who are passed over in the shuffle to know they are loved. Ms. Shirley and Ms. Jeanie have grown to love my boys for the blend of unabashed vigor, questions and kindness they bring to time spent with them. Every visit abounds with hugs. “Oh, I love these huggies! I feel these little arms around me when I go to bed at night so sad to be missing my Jack. They bring me such comfort in my loneliness.” I had never considered that something as simple as a hug would help carry a widow through her lonely nights, but I quickly realized that’s why God calls us to visit widows in their distress, because He does know!

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“Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was Me---you did it to Me,” Mth. 25:40.
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